There are many reasons why I feel like I am struggling these days and it's really hard to find a way to express myself with out sounding like I am whining. For starters I feel very alone. I am a heaver runner/athlete and find it very difficult to enjoy a workout with anyone. Why? Because I have a hard time finding anyone that can workout with me. Time is a major issue for me. I live an hour away from town and that leaves me with having to drive to them or have them come up here. I get tired of always going down there and have yet to have people come up to me to take a hike/run/walk. So I try to fit it in while I am down there. Normally that is days I have class. I have tried planning with people but I suck at it. I let people know when I am planning on going but I hardly get any response. Normally it's I would but...
In the past when I have brought up being alone to people they say that they like running alone, that it gives them time to think. I spend most of my time alone and would love company. I don't have any friends up here in the town I live in. I gave up trying to have friends up here and I am starting to feel that way in general. I DON'T FIT IN ANYWHERE. Another reason I feel like I am struggling is my weight. It's starting to improve. I find it hard to be happy for myself about my weight loss and I am constantly looking for approval from others. Sometimes a high 5 would be nice or a pat on the back. I feel invisible though.
I had someone comment that I have a pretty face. I feel like that is saying I have a pretty face but the rest of me is questionable. It is a struggle everyday just to feel good enough about myself. Every fricken day I wake up and wish I hadn't let myself get this obese. Some of you may say she's not obese, but medically speaking I am. I want people to look at me, not single out one feature of me and think I am pretty as a whole, curves and all.
Question time... Do you know what it's like to not care how you look because you feel like nobody sees you? Do you know what it's like wanting a loving family just to have part of your family want nothing to do with you and you feel heartbroken? Do you know how bad it hurts (emotionally) when you want to keep running but the gravity (jiggle) on your butt makes it hurt? Do you know how hard it is to keep going when you know it would be easier to quit?
I know my struggles and I have opened up to many about them just to feel like I shouldn't. Maybe someday people will see me for me because right now I feel like people don't. I'm human.
The answer to all your questions, is YES. I've been there. My page is called The Heavyweight runner for a reason. I'm bigger than most everyone else out there running on Sunday mornings, and that hasn't changed in 5 years. But the way I view myself has. I don't need anyone's approval anymore. I don't look to others for approval, I look in the mirror and see how freaking awesome I am (and so modest). Self love/acceptance is more important than anything. Once you master that, others will see you for who you truly are and embrace that. When you loathe yourself, that magnifies itself to the world. And sometimes the strongest characters are borne from being alone, but one day you'll look up and realize you're the flame people are attracted to instead the one that they think will burn them.
ReplyDeleteBut you're not really alone. There are thousands of us out there who feel your pain. There is much more to lose than just the weight. Just keep going. No matter how much anything gets in your way. I promise it's worth the battle, wounds and all.
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DeleteI think we all feel like we are on our get healthy journey alone. I realized a little over a year ago I could not do it by myself and since I have very few friends I started a group on facebook where women who were friends of mine and friends of those who were interested could weigh in weekly discuss our issues and have the weekly/daily support we need to continue on our journey. From this I found two amazing friends who I have started a Food addiction blog with. We would love you to check it our follow us on facebook and if you like let us know and we can add you to the group of women that are in our completely private weightloss group. I work out a lot on my own I find it tedious and boring but because I have friends to report to when I have done great or when I am struggling it has helped me to succeed. I would also suggest looking into MyFitnesspal.com they have online groups and forums to help you stay motivated.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.facebook.com/DiaryOf3FoodAddicts?bookmark_t=page
Oh, I am so with you right now. I'm an obese runner too. I heard so from so many people that I shouldn't be running because of my weight. I've tried running with friends and have almost killed myself trying to keep their pace because I can't admit that it's too fast. You are so not alone in this. You are so not alone in this. And you're not invisible.
ReplyDeletemy heart goes out to you. You are not alone.I pray that you will get through this and come out stronger. Keep the faith and keep believing in yourself. xo hugs
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