Why I over eat

Until yesterday I had not realized the connection between why I eat and having fake friends. To me fake friends are the ones who are never around, they are just a number, or just someone on Facebook who never has time to spend with you. I get so tired of having many many acquaintances but when it comes down to having a few good friends that are available to spend time with their few and far in between. I don't understand why that is. Maybe it's me as a person they don't like but they're afraid to say so. Since childhood I have battled depression dealing with friends. I always want people to contact me and ask me if I wanted to do something and not the other way around like it happened so many times.

Sorry if this rambled...

Keep at it

Success isn't found. Success is made. Persistence is key. TRY HARDER! Work at it. Show yourself you can!

Struggling

     There are many reasons why I feel like I am struggling these days and it's really hard to find a way to express myself with out sounding like I am whining. For starters I feel very alone. I am a heaver runner/athlete and find it very difficult to enjoy a workout with anyone. Why? Because I have a hard time finding anyone that can workout with me. Time is a major issue for me. I live an hour away from town and that leaves me with having to drive to them or have them come up here. I get tired of always going down there and have yet to have people come up to me to take a hike/run/walk. So I try to fit it in while I am down there. Normally that is days I have class. I have tried planning with people but I suck at it. I let people know when I am planning on going but I hardly get any response. Normally it's I would but...
     In the past when I have brought up being alone to people they say that they like running alone, that it gives them time to think. I spend most of my time alone and would love company. I don't have any friends up here in the town I live in. I gave up trying to have friends up here and I am starting to feel that way in general. I DON'T FIT IN ANYWHERE. Another reason I feel like I am struggling is my weight. It's starting to improve. I find it hard to be happy for myself about my weight loss and I am constantly looking for approval from others. Sometimes a high 5 would be nice or a pat on the back. I feel invisible though.
    I had someone comment that I have a pretty face. I feel like that is saying I have a pretty face but the rest of me is questionable. It is a struggle everyday just to feel good enough about myself. Every fricken day I wake up and wish I hadn't let myself get this obese. Some of you may say she's not obese, but medically speaking I am. I want people to look at me, not single out one feature of me and think I am pretty as a whole, curves and all.

     Question time... Do you know what it's like to not care how you look because you feel like nobody sees you? Do you know what it's like wanting a loving family just to have part of your family want nothing to do with you and you feel heartbroken? Do you know how bad it hurts (emotionally) when you want to keep running but the gravity (jiggle) on your butt makes it hurt? Do you know how hard it is to keep going when you know it would be easier to quit?

I know my struggles and I have opened up to many about them just to feel like I shouldn't. Maybe someday people will see me for me because right now I feel like people don't. I'm human.

Back-to-back races

Race report 50k - Saturday morning I woke up at 2am with the feeling of not being able to complete the 50k. As much as I tried I never fell back asleep. Before the race started I was having a tough time deciding if I wanted to drop from the 50k to the 31k or the 19k. I chose to stick with the 50k and did an early start time of 7am. When the race started the sun was just starting to light up the sky enough not to need a headlamp. I was left behind shortly after starting giving me about 45 minutes on the trail alone to enjoy the beauty before others started to pass me. It was pretty watching the sun rise and the hills start to show. It was cool enough at the start I was wishing I had my gloves. The trail took you through some washes which had their own unique beauty. Most of the people running the 50k had passed me by the time I made it to the 5 mile aid station and the 31k people were starting to pass. This part of the trail took you across some more washes but it was mainly trekking across the desert. In this section I talked to a guy that was doing the 50k and the full marathon. He's ran many races in about every state and he is going to be running the Chicago marathon for the 25th time this year. After he passed me I was alone again on the trail. The trail had started to follow an atv wide road that was at times extremely sandy. Between mile 9 and 10 the first 50 miler passed by me again. I had been watching my Garmin waiting for the 10.7 aid station and found it around mile 11 something. When I got there one of the 50 milers was in bad shape. He was an 18 year old kid that didn't eat prior and had not trained. He was in the top two spots when he dropped. The next section of trail was listed as 8.8 miles to the start/finish. There was a lot of climbing in this section of trail. The runners of both the 50 mile and 50k were passing me at this point. They were on their second loop and I was still on my first. There were other people out on the trail at this point as well. I loved seeing the dogs and horses and was able to pet a few of the animals as well. Petting the animals helped me get through the last part. My Garman died 16 something miles into the race. About a mile and a half left I ran into the guy pulling the flags. He showed me the map and told me the turns I need to take to make it back to finish line. Almost ten hours after I started I finished the 19.6 miles. I wanted to finish the 50k but I knew there is no way time wise that I could. I'm happy with the 20 miles I did get done.

Race report 13.1 miles - Sunday morning I woke up feeling pretty good after 20 miles the day before. I got ready went out to the lobby of the hotel and have breakfast while waiting for Mike to pick me up to head down for the race. The race started and finished at Arizona State University in Tempe. It took us about 30 minutes to get to the start line from corral 18. The first mile was tough on my legs they were working out the soreness. In the second mile I had to stop for a restroom break and there long lines for the porta potties. Mike wanted to beat our time from the Las Vegas Rock 'n Roll half marathon. As the miles ticked by I was enjoying the bands that were along the course and the cheerleaders. Out of the three rock 'n roll series I have done Arizona is my favorite. At the halfway point I was not sure that we were going to make it faster then the time that we did in Vegas. About mile nine and half PF Chang's started having motivational signs along the road. The signs were great to read and helped me keep going. When we had the 5K distance left I realized that we were on track to at least cross the finish line at the same time we did in Vegas. When we had about mile and a half left I told Mike if he wanted to finish before our Vegas time he would have to take off on his own because my feet were hurting. When I saw the 13 mile sign I took off running as fast as I could to cross the finish line. I made it in exactly 4 hours. It was two minutes faster than Vegas! Mike finished two minutes faster than me. I am proud of both of us for finishing the race in the time we did.

Night before my 50k

Tomorrow I run/attempt my second 50k. The first attempt I quit at 13 miles.

Judged in the Gym

The other day one of the pages I follow on Facebook mentioned how they dislike the women in the gym that make fun of the heavier people in the gym. I am one of the heavier people in my gym and I have seen those looks. It hurts even the seasoned gym goer. Why am I a "seasoned" gym goer if I'm heavy? I have no clue how to answer that question. I have had a gym membership since 2008 and I skip months at times, normally during hunting season and more so during the winter. I also live in a town that is an hour drive from my gym. I know how to lift and I have endurance on the cardio equipment. I am just not fast and yes I do turn a pretty shade of red when I do exercise. Now back to the rant I was talking about. January 6th I stepped into the gym for the first time in two months. I went to the bike in the women's workout room area and climbed on. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a girl that wasn't giving me a very nice look. I wanted to slink into the corner. I felt like I didn't belong there. There are many times that has happened to me at the gym and on the road and trails while running. What makes people act like that? I have wanted to tell ladies who have stared "Don't worry you won't catch my fat."
Maybe it's just how I perceive people or maybe it has something to do with the folks that make the resolution to exercise more but eventually stop going to the gym. I know I have never wanted to not be seen more then this year. I wish I was invisible but there are times I do feel invisible when I want to bee seen. I can do almost anything I set my mind to but feel alone when I accomplish something that was major to me. I'll write more about that later this week.

Soon

It's only been a week and I'm feeling like I can drop the weight I want to.