Judged in the Gym

The other day one of the pages I follow on Facebook mentioned how they dislike the women in the gym that make fun of the heavier people in the gym. I am one of the heavier people in my gym and I have seen those looks. It hurts even the seasoned gym goer. Why am I a "seasoned" gym goer if I'm heavy? I have no clue how to answer that question. I have had a gym membership since 2008 and I skip months at times, normally during hunting season and more so during the winter. I also live in a town that is an hour drive from my gym. I know how to lift and I have endurance on the cardio equipment. I am just not fast and yes I do turn a pretty shade of red when I do exercise. Now back to the rant I was talking about. January 6th I stepped into the gym for the first time in two months. I went to the bike in the women's workout room area and climbed on. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a girl that wasn't giving me a very nice look. I wanted to slink into the corner. I felt like I didn't belong there. There are many times that has happened to me at the gym and on the road and trails while running. What makes people act like that? I have wanted to tell ladies who have stared "Don't worry you won't catch my fat."
Maybe it's just how I perceive people or maybe it has something to do with the folks that make the resolution to exercise more but eventually stop going to the gym. I know I have never wanted to not be seen more then this year. I wish I was invisible but there are times I do feel invisible when I want to bee seen. I can do almost anything I set my mind to but feel alone when I accomplish something that was major to me. I'll write more about that later this week.

Gym time

Today I went to they gym while my husband picked up the kids from the ex. Oh my what a wake up call that was. I spent at least a solid hour exercising. For the first time I tried the stair stepper. It was difficult to make it 5 minutes but next time I will be doubling that! So I accomplished today...

-40 minutes bike
-20 minutes weights
-5 minutes stair stepper
-10 minutes rowing machine

When I saw myself in the mirror while using the weights I almost cried. In the past 6 months I have put on 20 pounds bringing my weight to where it is today. Three months ago I was running a lot and weight training a couple times a week. Then I got lazy... Seeing myself hurt a lot. I wanted to cry but all I could think about was how I am going to succeed!

Opening my soul - 252.2 lbs

Today on Facebook I opened a door to a side of me that very few have ever seen. I weigh 252.2 pounds and am very unhappy with my weight. Don't get me wrong I am happy with everything else in my life except for the challenges of being heavy. My heart hurts when I look in the mirror and I see the skin hanging on my belly. I can't stand the sight of my butt and my thighs. I have saggy arms that I want to hide. I think that one of my fears of loosing weight is still having skin that hangs all over. I am 33 years old and I hate feeling like this. When my husband looks at me and says I'm beautiful I want to feel like I am beautiful. I feel like I never have time to really focus on me. I have time to start stuff but I have a hard time finishing stuff. I have done 12 half marathons and one full marathon. I live about an hour away from most of my friends and find myself wishing that some of them would come up my way to get exercise. There is no gym in this town. The high school has a weight room that doesn't have a whole lot of equipment that works. I don't know where to go or what to do. I am joining a weight loss challenge and I am hoping that will help with me loose weight and stay motivated. I feel so alone in this and hope to find some true friends along the way...